I have been MIA on social media for a few months now and it almost feels like I owe you “all” an explanation on what has been happening in my life that has “taken” me away. And if I am being honest with myself, I really do not. But when I decided to start blogging, and using my platform on social media in being honest and transparent in my life as a woman of God, a mother, and a wife, I made the decision to be honest about the struggles we as women go through from the perspective of a young mom who loves God. Today I have decided to share some things I am currently struggling with and navigating through. I believe these are things that definitely need to be talked about more, and I am more than willing to be a voice for those who can’t quite put it into words.
I am a woman who still has dreams. Although my life has not panned out the way I had planned it to be as a young 18 year old, it has certainly turned out better than I ever dreamed it could be. But what is life without struggles? We all go through them, some of us have it way worse than others, but it doesn’t make us any better than each other. I say all this to say that I have a hard time with balance. Juggling all the responsibilities I have on my plate. Let me break it down for you all. I am a daughter of the Most High King, and my relationship with God is very important to me. I am a wife to my husband Harold, and our relationship is important to me. I am a mother to my two beautiful girls and my son, Naiomi, Kairi, and Isaiah, and our relationship is important to me. I serve at church in various different areas of ministry, Social Media, Photography, Graphic Design, and Women’s Ministry, and I believe in the mission God has for my church and that is very important to me. I also have a call on my life to reach women who have lost hope in their situation and point them to a Savior who has loved them since the beginning of time, in whatever form God wants to show up. But I haven’t been operating in my life in a way where all of those responsibilities are thriving. And in life when you are trying to make all the things on your plate a success, sometimes you forget that when life throws junk at you, you have to navigate through it as well. Talk about so much pressure! And sure you could say that it’s my fault I have added all these things onto my plate, when I could just focus on God and my family. But God has a plan for my life, and I believe I am called to do more and accomplish more than I could ever dream. The God dream is something I hold onto, because it is a responsibility that is outside of me, that only God can fulfill, my only job is to be obedient to that call and watch him work the miracles necessary to bring them into existence.
In the middle of building and navigating through all my responsibilities, God decided to throw some junk at me. My husband is in the middle of building his business, and some months are amazing, while others are hard. But God has always provided and came through for us. We decided to move out of our old place in the faith that God will provide the funds needed to make the move. In that same amount of time our marriage was tested once again in a huge way that really broke me. (Details on that to come later.) And I was completely thrown off my game. I didn’t even know where to start picking up the pieces from and just picked them all up. Throwing stuff together until I became completely overwhelmed and gave up on it all. For a few months I allowed my circumstances to cloud my mind. I let myself be a victim, fall into depression, and admitted defeat. In the midst of it all we found out we were expecting baby number 3. My energy depleted. The weight of the world was really weighing down on me and I did not know how to do it all, especially with all that was thrown my way. Dealing with so many emotions and trying to understand it all, while transitioning into a new phase of our life. It just became easier to neglect my responsibilities.
So here I am now confessing that I still am having a hard time balancing my plate. Lots of crying has happened in this short amount of time, but one thing has remained constant, and that is God. Through everything, He has been a life source of wisdom, peace, and love. In the moments when I allowed myself to gasp for air, there He is reminding me of my worth. Loving me through it all, even when I have failed as a mom, wife, friend, and servant. I realized that I am the one being so incredibly hard on myself, feeding my head with the idea that everything needs to happen right now, when God just wants me to tackle it one step at a time. I may never really find balance, but I can find rest knowing that God has my back and has a plan even when I can’t see it. I am in recovery at this time, still navigating through everything that God has thrown my way, while moving forward and taking steps everyday. Because the moment I stop is the moment I lose momentum, and when that happens things seem to like to crash into each other. This is my revelation that I can share with you, if you too are in the same boat as I take steps, plan your steps, and just execute. God will work it all out in the end, He is working a plan through you that you may not be able to even see is there, but once we do get there, His plan will always look and be better than what we thought of.
In your brokenness He is growing your capacity. Capacity to love others better, to handle more than what is currently on your plate, to grow in the areas you are weak in, and so much more. When we experience pain and suffering, God wants to be the first person you find strength and courage in to tackle that thing. Shortening our recovery time when we experience those circumstances. Growing our minds strength against the things that will knock us down, because life is still happening. Stopping to pity yourself only wastes what could be yours at the end of that pain. Can you trust God to heal those areas that hurt and hold you back? Do you have faith that there is healing, power, and blessing coming our way? Are you bold enough to proclaim those things over your life, even when you’re hurting inside? Choosing to believe that, instead of filling your mind with negativity of your situation? I have to admit, it took me a while to get there. But I am fully confident the next time I get knocked off my game, my recovery time to get back in the game won’t take as long. I choose to rise, because I have a God who will lift me up higher than I could ever imagine. I AM IN THE PROCESS.